Disarm Me (With Your Loneliness)
by queen0fzen
Summary: It's been almost ten years, and not a day goes by when I don't think about her and everything I put her through. Based off the song by HIM. Angsty as it goes along but there will be a fluffy, melancholy moment with nothing but Zennie goodness, so bear with me.
1. A Promise of Heaven

**Disarm Me (With Your Loneliness)**

**Summary- **It's been almost ten years, and not a day goes by when I don't think about her and everything I put her through. Post Season 8 (aka Season Hell, as I like to refer to it) Angsty at first but then a little bit of Zennie goodness at the end. Based off the song by HIM. I own nothing. I just adore Jackie/Hyde and want them together forever.  
Each chapter is a little short. So enjoy.

* * *

**A promise of heaven pushed us right back to hell**  
**Turning three sevens into three sixes again**

_It's been ten years since I last saw her, and not a day goes by when I don't think about her or everything I put her through. Not one day. From the moment I wake up in the morning, her beautiful face is there. Forever sketched into my memory. They say time heals all wounds, but I think it's a bunch of bullshit, because as the years went by, the pain got worse, my misery increased; it never got better. I was a bitter, rebellious, and angry teenager, my life was pretty much a living hell during my first eighteen years of life, and naturally, anyone who got close to me was going down with me. She never deserved it though, all she did was love me, and I ruined her. I loved her though, more than I loved anyone in my entire life. I needed her, she needed me. She changed me, and I changed her- for the better. Too bad there was so much pain, too much of it if you asked me. All the lies, loss, self-destruction, zen, and of course there was me cheating on her with that slutty nurse, whose name has been burnt from my memory, thank goodness. _

_When I told her I loved her for the first time, I meant it, even if she didn't believe it at the time. I never told her I loved her enough, and plus I cheated on her, so naturally, she couldn't believe me... not that I blame her, I hurt her, I was paranoid, I jumped to conclusions, and worse of all, I was insecure. Yes, I Steven Hyde, was insecure. Insecure because I was afraid she would get tired of me and run back into the arms of the idiotic Kelso. What a dumb thought, right? Well, Kelso and Jackie did have a lot of history, even if it was the dumbass cheating on her nearly half the time, but still... I was deathly afraid of not being enough for her, and so I strayed, lost my sense of Zen, became angry and uncontrollable. My abandonment issues had reared it's ugly head and wrecked havoc within me and in my relationship... and I wish I could take it all back, just to hold my doll in my arms again and to kiss her soft lips. I'd give the entire world. _

_Ten years have rolled back faster than I thought. It's now 1989 and I can't help but think back on 1979 with regret and even a few tears. I was such a dick to Jackie that entire year after we broke up, I went off and married a slutty stripper for god's sake, I was dangerous, and I hurt the only broad I ever loved. I was the reason she fell into Fez's arms. Despite his good-heart, I still think they are completely wrong together for many reasons. First, he's a pervert, and second, well it's not me that's holding her, kissing her, and to be honest, I miss her calling me her "puddin' pop," it was such a sickeningly cute nickname that only she got away with calling me... She was also the only one that got away with calling me Steven... no one ever called me by my first name, except for Mrs. Forman, but no one ever called me Steven the way Jackie did. No one ever put so much tenderness into my name, because I was what my teachers called "socially inept." Jackie was the only one who ever had real faith in me, she pushed me, and I took it for granted, looking back, I wish I could punch the selfish punk I was just to make the pain lessen._

_The worst thing about 1979? I just sort floated right through it, not giving a fuck what happened to anyone else, especially Jackie._

_And that's what I hate about myself the most. _

* * *

**A/N: I know the song I am basing this off doesn't correlate with the time period, just I was listening to it all morning and since this is my favourite song by HIM, my favourite band, I just thought it described Jackie and Hyde in a nutshell and well here we are with an experimental idea. So Oh well.**


	2. And You Laughed At My Face

**Disarm Me (With Your Loneliness)**

**Summary- ** It's been almost ten years, and not a day goes by when I don't think about her and everything I put her through. Post Season 8 (aka Season Hell, as I like to refer to it) Angsty at first but then a little bit of Zennie goodness at the end. Based off the song by HIM. I own nothing. I just adore Jackie/Hyde and want them together forever.  
Each chapter is a little short. So enjoy.

* * *

**And you laughed at my face when I told you how much it hurts**  
** And said**

_I remember how much I hated Jackie at first... I thought she was the typical materialistic, bitchy, gossip cheerleader, who happened to enjoy disco and ABBA, everything I hated.. and god, she would never shut the fuck up.. but even during those days, I thought she was beautiful and there was something behind those eyes I couldn't register at the time.. pain, loneliness, vulnerability.. I mean, she and I weren't so different, both our parents really never gave a damn about us, the only difference was that her parents were rich so they would buy her affections, which I assumed got incredibly frustrating at times... an emotionally absent father, a slutty mother, it was the same story, despite our economical backgrounds, so in a way I could feel her pain.. I knew her "antics," as I liked to call them, was just a facade to disguise her pain and her true self. _

_It hurts now to think back to those times in Forman's basement because she was there all the time, just like everyone else, and she eventually got involved with our circles, which was pretty cool because stoned Jackie was an interesting character...I smile at those memories, but at the same time... my heart aches and I want to cry, and once again, I, Steven Hyde, never cry usually, because I am a man, but... I guess she spoiled me over the two years we were together, she kinda broke down my emotional walls, while I helped her learn to keep building hers up; we learned so many things from each other, and not everything that we learned was an entirely good thing. _

_I guess after ten years, I've learned to abandon my Zen.. to let people in because 1979 was when it reached the point that Zen was being used against me, I used it in the wrong way, I corrupted it in order to make my pain and anger at Jackie vanish, to manipulate it so I could look like I was okay, like I didn't give a damn. Life didn't resume after Jackie and I broke up for the last time, it went to hell, I became a monster..._

_A monster who laughed at her pain... that fed off her suffering.._  
_I wish I could take it all back, every single thing._

_I take another shot of whiskey... _

* * *

**A/N: I know the song I am basing this off doesn't correlate with the time period, just I was listening to it all morning and since this is my favourite song by HIM, my favourite band, I just thought it described Jackie and Hyde in a nutshell and well here we are with an experimental idea. So Oh well.**


	3. Deceive Me out of My Emptiness

**Disarm Me (With Your Loneliness)**

**Summary- **It's been almost ten years, and not a day goes by when I don't think about her and everything I put her through. Post Season 8 (aka Season Hell, as I like to refer to it) Angsty at first but then a little bit of Zennie goodness at the end. Based off the song by HIM. I own nothing. I just adore Jackie/Hyde and want them together forever.  
Each chapter is a little short. So enjoy.

* * *

**Disarm me with your loneliness**  
** Just like always before**  
** Deceive me out of my emptiness**  
** Telling me how you love**

_My drinking has increased as the years went by; numbing the pain and suppressing the memories was all I could to be able to get up in the morning...naturally, in the mornings, when I was hungover, all I could see was Jackie. She haunts me, the memories of what I have done haunt me, hell, my entire past still haunts me, and it only gets worse as the day progresses, so sometimes, I take it upon myself to get myself loaded before noon. That way, I can function properly without feeling anything. Seeing as Zen was no longer an option to become a stoic, booze was the next best thing. One thing's for sure though, I am not a stupid drunk, no, in fact I act perfectly normal when I'm drunk, it's when I'm sober when all these damn feelings that start getting to me. _

_Even as a teenager, I relied on booze and weed, along with Zen, to help me feel detached from all my inner demons that ran wild in my head. It was the perfect, lethal combination. But still... now even booze can ease my insufferable loneliness... it can numb the memories, it was as if my psyche was telling me I can't go on ignoring the pain, but what am I supposed to do? I haven't seen Jackie, or any of my friends in ten years... I completely isolated myself from Point Place..._

Another swig of the bottle of whiskey and the pain decreases. Whiskey has become more of my thing lately, I loved the burning sensation, it got rid of my pain faster by allowing me to get intoxicated quicker. Whiskey is my only lifeline right now... 

_Suddenly, a knock at the door... I wonder who it could be at this time of night, I mean it's 3 AM for Christ's sake. _

_I stumble to the door, trying to gain some composure, damn this stuff is getting me stupidly drunk tonight, I need stash, but I haven't touched weed since our last circle together... _

_I opened the door and there she stood, still beautiful after all these years.  
My breath caught in my throat, and I could only muster a meek, _"Jacks..."

"Oh, Steven... I missed you so much."_  
_

* * *

**A/N: I know the song I am basing this off doesn't correlate with the time period, just I was listening to it all morning and since this is my favourite song by HIM, my favourite band, I just thought it described Jackie and Hyde in a nutshell and well here we are with an experimental idea. So Oh well.**

**Also, I know it might seem a bit ooc for Hyde but I needed him to be very angsty and nostalgic for this piece that I still have no idea where is going, so yeah.  
Ugh I also know this chapter may seem crappy, actually this whole story is crap, I apologise, I haven't written for a few months and well, this is the result. Anyways thanks to the guest who actually likes it. I appreciate it. **

**xoxoxo. **


	4. You Keep on Tempting Me

**Disarm Me (With Your Loneliness)**

**Summary- **It's been almost ten years, and not a day goes by when I don't think about her and everything I put her through. Post Season 8 (aka Season Hell, as I like to refer to it) Angsty at first but then a little bit of Zennie goodness at the end. Based off the song by HIM. I own nothing. I just adore Jackie/Hyde and want them together forever.  
Each chapter is a little short. So enjoy.

* * *

**You keep on tempting me to go on whatever the cost**  
** To witness the prettiest flower in bloom wither to dust  
**  
**So I'll break all the rules in this endless game once called love**  
** For you**

"Oh, Steven I missed you.."

"I missed you too, doll." _I couldn't breathe. Her she was in the flesh, after ten lonely years. She was here with me. I let her in and the first thing she did was rush into my arms. I fastened my arms around her petite waist and held on tight, never wanting to let go.. but then I noticed her eyes were puffy and red.. as if she were crying? I let her go to get a better inspection. _

"Jackie.. have you been crying? Is everything okay."

_She simply shook her head no. _

_So I took her into my arms and carried her over to the my tiny little couch so she could be more comfortable..It was then when she began to break down, her sobs breaking my heart; I never liked seeing my doll cry.. ever. _Especially_ when it was my own doing._

"Jackie.. please.. tell me what's wrong."

"I just miss you Steven, God, life has been a complete nightmare without you. Everything has been Hell. I..I.."_ Her words mingled in with her tears and she became incoherent so I just took her into my arms, held her close.. like we've done so many years ago. I rubbed the small of her back._

_She sat up, smiled sadly at me, wiped her eyes and took a deep breath, _"Steven...after Fez and I got together, I thought it was going to be perfect. He wouldn't cause me pain because he was a submissive guy, and just.. I was wrong.. he turned out to be a pig, a real disgusting pig.. at least these past few years... he was controlling, always craved sex, and just was overbearing and I couldn't take it, but I couldn't leave because he wouldn't let me.. it wasn't until yesterday when..." She suppressed a sob and continued, "I found him cheating on me.. we've been married you see... and.." _This time, the sadness and heartache came crashing down around her. I held onto her tighter, mentally cursing Fez... it's amazing how much ten years changed us.. all of us.  
_

"Jacks, I am so sorry, for everything.."_ I whispered quietly..she looked up at me, her mismatched eyes shimmering with tears. She was so beautiful, even in heartache...  
"_I'm sorry too, puddin' pop, I guess I shouldn't have let Michael into that hotel room all those years ago.. I really shouldn't have..."  
"Look, Jackie, it was my fault.. I should've trusted you.. it was just.. I was so insecure, and unhappy with myself and I was afraid Kelso was going to try to steal you because you know how hell bent he was on that..."_ We both laughed sadly at that. I was looking down until I felt her cup my face in her hands, forcing me to look into those green-hazel eyes... _

"Steven... we were both at fault, but I loved you so much, much more than Kelso.. sure, he was my first boyfriend, but you were my first and true love... I couldn't leave you even if I wanted to... I was so painfully in love with you."_ She smile, this time a genuine smile, the smile of my Jackie.. god, how I missed that smile. _

"I was painfully in love with you, Jacks, I just couldn't express it all the time, I was so cynical, so afraid of abandonment... I mean my mom didn't love me.. and when you said you loved me.. I was afraid.. because I loved you the same way..._"_

_And suddenly she crashed her lips on mine, and for once in ten years, all my pain melted away... _

* * *

**A/N: I know the song I am basing this off doesn't correlate with the time period, just I was listening to it all morning and since this is my favourite song by HIM, my favourite band, I just thought it described Jackie and Hyde in a nutshell and well here we are with an experimental idea. So Oh well.**

**Also, I know it might seem a bit ooc for Hyde but I needed him to be very angsty and nostalgic for this piece that I still have no idea where is going, so yeah.  
Ugh I also know this chapter may seem crappy, actually this whole story is crap, I apologise, I haven't written for a few months and well, this is the result. Anyways thanks to the guest who actually likes it. I appreciate it. **

**ehh I have no idea how I feel about this chapter. I know for sure there is going to be one more... **

**xoxoxo. **


	5. Tell Me How Much it Hurts

**Disarm Me (With Your Loneliness)**

**Summary- **It's been almost ten years, and not a day goes by when I don't think about her and everything I put her through. Post Season 8 (aka Season Hell, as I like to refer to it) Angsty at first but then a little bit of Zennie goodness at the end. Based off the song by HIM. I own nothing. I just adore Jackie/Hyde and want them together forever.  
Each chapter is a little short. So enjoy.

**_A/N: thank you for reading and reviewing, keep on doing so if you wish. This was an experimental idea and I guess it worked out better than I thought but at the same time I am still apprehensive._ **

* * *

**Disarm me with your loneliness**  
** Just like always before**  
** Deceive me out of my emptiness**  
** Telling me how you love me with all your heart**  
** No more**

_We broke apart, and for a moment, there was no pain, no heartache, just bittersweet touches and kisses and it was better than nothing. _She_ smiled, and it warmed my cold heart and I couldn't help but return the smile, _"I missed you so much, puddin' pop."

"I missed you too, doll.""Can I spend the night here, since I have no where else to go?"

"Of course."

_She smiles at me, gives me a quick peck on the kiss before going into the bathroom to change. I found myself allowing the shock and awe to wash over me; how she ever find her way back to me was unknown, but I can't help but wonder if it was fate? Maybe, but I was never one to believe in entities or shit like that. But somehow, after ten years apart, I am starting to believe some high power brought my Jackie back to me, and I couldn't feel any happier..._

_or bitter, for that matter._

_She was married to Fez, before she came here, and somehow that hurts like hell, especially knowing that he only used her, controlled her, and cheated on her, it was like he became Kelso when the real Kelso grew up... it's amazing how much changed within us all.. it really is.._

_Jackie emerges a few minutes later, clad only in my old Zeppelin shirt that I gave her years ago and panties. I smirked and she blushed, "_Well don't we look sexy?"

"Steven!"_ I could only laugh and I pulled her by waist to pull her closer to me, and smothered her in kisses and warm embraces. She pulled herself away after a minute or two and inspected me._

"What?"_ I asked, trying my hardest not to laugh, which initially caused her to start giggling and suddenly, her voice became grave and melancholic. _

"You're a different man, Steven, and I'm not entirely sure if I like it."

"How so?"

"Well,"_ She began, looking nervous, as if I was going to hit her for revealing her feelings. It was true though, I did change over the past ten years, and I still have not figured out if it was a good or bad thing,_ "It's just that you're not very Zen anymore, why is that, puddin'?"

_I was afraid of that question. I was afraid of it for so long, which was another reason for my isolation..I was afraid that if anyone from my past would come looking for me, found me and noticed I was more open about my emotions then they would truly know the real Steven Hyde- the broken, and bitter Steven Hyde that was hidden by years of alcohol abuse and weed and Zen.._

"Jacks, after what happened back in '79, I realised that my Zen was being used in the wrong way, I used it to hurt you, I used it to hurt me, I used it to not feel anything, along with chugging as much booze as I could_,_ I still chug booze like it's my lifeline, and it was all because of you; I regret everything I did and as soon as I left Point Place for good, I swore I would never be Zen again, that I would try to work on being a more emotionally open man, and so far, well I don't know how that's working..."

_Her eyes shimmered with tears and all she could do was kiss me gingerly. _

**Tell me how much it hurts my love?**  
** (No more)**  
** Tell me how my kiss can change your world**  
** (No more)**  
** Tell me how much it hurts (more) to be alone**  
** (No more)**  
** Telling me that you love me with all your heart**

_I kissed her as if I was going to lose her again, I kissed her as if I was dying, and she kissed me back the same way. It was as if we can't exist if one of us isn't around, we need each other, crave each other, and all the pain, heartache and bitterness of 1979 melted into that kiss.. it was shocking, exciting, bitter, enticing, and I couldn't get enough.. I held onto her as if she was going to slip away from me again. I also cried.. cried for everything that was wrong in our lives, in our relationship, everything. I cried because I am afraid; afraid that I will lose her again and my heart cannot bear the thought of it._

_She kissed me again, led me to the bed and together we fall and bleed into one, two miserable souls seeking happiness and fulfillment._

"Jackie..."

"Steven..."

"I love you, and I don't ever want to lose you again... ever!"_ I felt the tears still spilling, and she wiped them away with her thumb, while I wiped hers away. It was as if we were both crying for each other after ten lonely years._

"I wouldn't dream of it.. now shut up and kiss me."

_and that's exactly what I did._

**No more **

**~Fin~ **

* * *

**A/N: I know the song I am basing this off doesn't correlate with the time period, just I was listening to it all morning and since this is my favourite song by HIM, my favourite band, I just thought it described Jackie and Hyde in a nutshell and well here we are with an experimental idea. So Oh well.**

**Also, I know it might seem a bit ooc for Hyde but I needed him to be very angsty and nostalgic for this piece that I still have no idea where is going, so yeah.  
Ugh I also know this chapter may seem crappy, actually this whole story is crap, I apologise, I haven't written for a few months and well, this is the result. Anyways thanks to the guest who actually likes it. I appreciate it. **

**ehh I have no idea how I feel about this chapter. I know for sure there is going to be one more... **

**xoxoxo. **


End file.
